#like going into a depressive state over a boy is lame but when you add in the actual loss of this whole other world that she was part of

[chiefguideandcentre]

You know, Bella got a lot of flak for falling into a depressive state when Edward left her, but honestly, I can see it, that’s completely logical to me (not the “my boyfriend left me boohoo”part like who cares, no) because discovering that this entire supernatural world (vampires, werewolves, magic, mermaids, dragons, elves, anything!) exists only to have it ripped away from you and you are just expected to go right back to a regular mundane life as if nothing ever happened would send me spiraling too. Everything she went through, everything she knows and she can’t do anything about it, she didn’t even have someone to talk about it with. It wasn’t just Edward that she lost, but this whole other world that she was immersed in, everything she went through, the friends she made, the family she found, who she became, was just gone. Just dealing with it all on your own, like damn, what a loss

[miraculouscontent]

I just checked the ML tag, and apparently, there's a new episode called "Gang of Secrets." Have you seen it? If yes, what happens in it?

Summary below:

- Episode opens with Ladybug having just used Miraculous Ladybug. After landing on a rooftop with her, Chat Noir compliments her strength and states that they’ve never fought a villain that fast before. He then goes to fist-bump her but she ignores him, seemingly distracted as she looks around. Chat Noir calls her, snapping her out of her trance, and asks her what’s wrong. She pretends to be okay and fist-bumps him, then yoyos higher up the rooftop and asks if they should do a patrol since they need to recheck if everything fine in Paris. Chat interjects and asks if she wants to tell him what’s wrong instead, noting that she didn’t even react when he called her “Bugaboo.” Ladybug still insists that everything is fine, saying that she has time left but she also doesn’t want to talk. Chat jumps up to her level and assures her that he knows the ideal place to “not talk,” to which Ladybug happily states that she’ll follow him there.

- Cut to Ladybug and Chat Noir in a movie theater with a romantic movie currently playing. Ladybug calls Chat Noir out for leading her into a “trap,” to which Chat shushes her and reminds her that she didn’t want to talk. Two movie-goers nearby glance at them for talking, Chat waving and then making a “shh” movement in response, to which they smile. Chat then fakes the stereotypical stretching motion to try and land his arm on Ladybug’s shoulder, but she stands up abruptly, shouting at the movie for the female lead to not tell her male love interest anything else.

- Chat Noir tries to tell Ladybug to keep her voice down, but she starts ranting about how romantic movies are lame and unrealistic. She goes to to say that, in real life, the girl takes a crazily long time to tell the boy that she loves him without stuttering, and it’s impossible to know if he loves her too, so she decides that she’s never going to be with him, and “boom,” she falls in love with someone else. Chat is getting progressively more uncomfortable at Ladybug’s outbursts and Ladybug goes onto say that everything is simple, “almost too easy,” no stammering, they hold and kiss, then--surprise, she has secrets and the boy hates secrets, which is normal, but then they have to breakup and everything’s miserable, the end. She criticizes romantic comedies for being “whatever” and Chat notices the the two moviegoers from earlier glaring at them, so he apologizes to them and leads Ladybug out of the theater.

- On the way out, Ladybug is offering the people in line for the theater advice by telling them not to see romantic comedies, suggesting that they see superhero movies instead: special effects, no feelings, no questions, and no one talks to each other because there’s nothing to say. She adds that at least they will have a good time, then finally leaves the theater in a huff, Chat Noir looking awkward and unable to do anything but wave and apologize at everyone before following Ladybug out.

- Chat walks behind Ladybug, who has gone from angry to sad/distressed. He comments that he didn’t understand everything she said and he knows nothing of her personal life, but he knows what a broken heart is like and that’s what she seems to be going through for him. Ladybug turns to face him and denies it, insisting that everything is going perfectly. She then diverts the conversation, suggesting that they go to the swimming pool and she wants to go. Chat tells her that he’s here for her if she needs to talk, but Ladybug swings off and heads for the pool. Chat Noir sighs.

- Cut to AquaBug descending from her balcony and onto her bed, complete in goggles and a towel around her neck. She collapses onto the bed Barkk and Ziggy start flying over. AquaBug looks at her corkboard of Adrien and Luka pictures, then turns away, clearly depressed. Ziggy comments on how sad this all is, to which Barkk said that she told Ziggy previously that they should remove the pictures. They go to do so now but AquaBug turns and tells them to stop, insisting that she’s not sad and the pictures don’t bother her. She insists that they’re just pictures of her friends and that she loves fashion and her friends, telling them to leave them where they are, sulking back onto her bed while insisting there’s no problem. Ziggy and Barkk leave.

- Cut to Alya and JARM (Juleka, Alix, Rose, and Mylene, for those uninitiated) in Alya’s room, where Alya states that Marinette has a problem and it’s lovesickness. She pulls up some pictures on her tablet of Marinette and Adrien (all where Marinette is either anxious or clumsy/screwing up), explains that she was in love with Adrien in the beginning, but never managed to tell him because “it’s Marinette they’re talking about and he’s Adrien.” Alya then shows pictures of Marinette and Luka, adding that then Luka enters the scene and Marinette gets to talk to him because “it’s Luka” and they get together. Rose comments that they’re both cute, but Alya adds that they broke up, to which Juleka nods and mumbles something unintelligible, pulling out her phone to show the girls a picture of Luka looking notably depressed. The girls sigh.

- Alya states that the bottom line is that Marinette never told them about it, and the only reason they knew about the break-up was that Luka told Juleka, who told Rose, who told Mylene, who told Alix, who told Alya herself. Alya laments that she’s Marinette’s best friend and didn’t know, then the scene cuts to a flashback where Alya narrates that she heard Marinette crying in the bathroom. When Alya went to check on her, Marinette opened the door with a diguise (glasses, nose, and a mustache) to cover her face, insisting that she wasn’t crying and she’s never been so happy before in her life, adding that they should throw a party.

- Cut back to the girls in Alya’s room. Rose asks why Marinette would hide things from them and Alix notes that it must be a problem if Marinette didn’t even tell Alya. Mylene asks what they should do an Alya suggests that what Marinette needs is a discussion between friends, proposing that they all call her to talk about it. The girls do some sort of five-way fist-bump completely with making a rabbit ears sign at the end.

- Marinette, still AquaBug, is sulking on her bed when her phone starts ringing, but she ignores it. Back with Alya and JARM, Alya notes that it’ll probably go to the answering machine, which it does. Cut back to AquaBug, who hears that she now has a message and taps her phone without looking to listen to it. Her friends’ voices greet her and tell her that she should know that they’re there to talk, when or where she wants. They request that she call them back, they tell her they love her and add “kisses,” then the message ends. AquaBug simply slumps back onto her bed.

- Some of the kwami hover nearby, with Barkk saying that they must intervene and will need Tikki. Trixx offers to take care of it and flies down, suggesting to AquaBug to communicate with her friends on her “talking device.” AquaBug asks what she’d say because “everything is fine.” Trixx then suggests at least de-transforming, to which AquaBug insists that she’s better off as Ladybug because she’ll be ready if Shadow Moth attacks. Trixx points out Tikki and states that she might want to rest of have a bite to eat, which finally gets AquaBug up in a panic. She de-transforms and Tikki lands in her hands. She asks Tikki if she’s already and Tikki chimes that she’s definitely better than how Marinette is doing, suggesting that they talk. Marinette, already teary-eyed, lowers her head in defeat.

- Back with Alya and JARM, Alya suggests that they all go to Marinette’s house. Mylene then gets an idea of an “eternal friendship bracelet,” pulling out a bracelet of yellow threads along with some beads. She adds that it’s so Marinette doesn’t forget that friends can tell each other everything and that they’re always there for her. She starts passing out beads to each girl (Alya - orange, Juleka - purple, Alix - green, Rose - pink), explaining that she read in an old magazine about an ancient tribe in America who did that, going onto say that they mentally confide a secret to the pearl, adding the pearl to the bracelet, and once Marinette confides her own secret, the bracelet will unite all six of them. She adds hers - the blue one - to the bracelet and asks if the others are ready, to which Alix asks if it’d be easier to just take her out for orange juice to talk. The rest of the girls give her blank expressions in response and Alix relents.

- Meanwhile, Marinette is staring at her corkboard, Tikki besides her eating a macaron, and Marinette laments that she can’t have a love story so long as she’s Ladybug. Tikki, shocked, asks her why she’d think that and Marinette says that Tikki knows very well, explaining that she had to leave Luka because she couldn’t tell him the truth and it’d just be the same for Adrien. She adds that she can’t share her secret with anyone, unable to be honest with her best friend, her parents, or anyone, and condemned to lie, all the time, to everyone. Marinette asks what she can do and Tikki admits that she wishes she could help but kwami don’t fall in love. Marinette laments that no one can help her and her life as Marinette is too complicated. She adds that it might be better to just be Ladybug all the time, then calls upon Tikki to transform her. She then leaves for the balcony and the kwami look upon her, sad, when they hear voices from below.

- Alya and JARM enter Marinette’s room and the kwami quickly flee into the dollhouse concealing the Miracle Box. Rose notices the dollhouse right away and coos over how cute it is, urges the girls to come look as well. Mylene comments that it’s another super creation from Marinette and Alya says that Marinette must be on the roof, saying that she’ll go get her as she heads for the staricase.

- Up on the balcony, Ladybug is shouting at nothing, asking Hawk Moth (not Shadow Moth?) what he’s waiting for and that she’s ready for him. When there’s no response, she sighs and walks back, dropping onto her bed. She hears Alya calling for her as she comes up the steps and Ladybug hurriedly whispers her de-transformation phrase just in time.

- Marinette asks what she’s doing there and Alya says that they’re here to see how she’s doing. Marinette then hears Rose cooing over the house and Marinette panics, hurrying down just as Rose says that she’ll remove the roof to see what’s inside. Marinette avoids the stairs entirely, dropping from the bed to forcefully pull Rose out of the way, standing protectively in front of the dollhouse. Rose drops the roof from the motion and it breaks on the ground, all girls looking on in shock as Rose apologizes for it. She reaches down to pick up the roof and Marinette requests that they get out of her room. Alya insists that it’s nothing and they’ll help her fix it, but Marinette raises her voice and demands that they leave.

- Alya, now annoyed, states that there’s obviously something going on and they won’t leave until she tells them what it is. Mylene holds up the bracelet and says that each one of them has given their secrets to it, so now it’s her turn. Marinette responds that she’ll tell them what’s wrong, then points out that they all walked into her room without her permission. The girls look briefly surprised, then Alya takes the bracelet and holds it out, insisting that they’re friends and Marinette must tell them everything. Rose adds that real friends never let each other down, and the camera cuts to Marinette with her hand behind her, desperately trying to hold the dollhouse behind her together.

- Panicking, Marinette angrily says that she doesn’t want them as friends then, snapping at them and ordering them to leave. The girls are stunned, then begin to file out of the room sadly. Marinette sadly watches them go, but averts her gaze when Alya - the last one out - makes eye contact with her. Now that everyone’s gone, Marinette collapses onto the floor, the dollhouse falling to piece behind her. Tikki flies over and Marinette tells her that she had no other choice. Tikki assures her that she knows, and Marinette says that she doesn’t have to lie anymore since she doesn’t have any friends to lie to. Tikki sighs sadly.

- At the bakery, Sabine watches with concern as Alya and JARM walk past them to leave. Sabine tries to call after them to ask what’s wrong, but they ignore her. Shadow Moth sees his opportunity and sends his akuma.

- At the park next to the bakery, the girls are sitting in a circle. Alya, holding the bracelet, laments that she lost her best friend, then passes the bracelet to Mylene. Mylene says that she’d hoped it would work, then passes it to Rose. Rose sobs about how sad it all is, then passes the bracelet to Juleka. Juleka mumbles something unintelligible, then passes the bracelet to Alix. Alix states that it can’t end like this, at which point the akuma hits the bracelet, all five girls being hit by Shadow Moth’s symbol. Shadow Moth introduces himself and states that their friend didn’t want to tell them her secrets, so he’ll grant them the powers to get them out by force in return for Ladybug and Chat Noir’s miraculouses. Alya states that Marinette must remain their friend, Alix chimes in that it’ll be whether she wants to or not, Mylene adds that she won’t keep secrets from her friends anymore, and Juleka mumbles something unintelligible again. They all proceed to get akumatized into their most notable forms: Lady Wifi (who says she’ll take care of catching her), Princess Fragrance (who states that Marinette under her scent will have to put up her secrets), Timebreaker (who adds that they’ll turn back time to make everything like it used to be), and Reflekta (who says that they’ll comfort her and she’ll be their friend again). Lady Wifi adds that Horrificator will keep Ladybug and Chat Noir at bay if they try to intervene.

- Back with Marinette, the pieces of the dollhouse have been thrown away and Marinette places the Miracle Box in a brand new contraption of hers, where she has to press switches in a specific order to open and close it. She sighs in relief, at which point her phone goes off and Lady Wifi emerges from it. The kwami hide inside the box and Lady Wifi tells Marinette that she’s here for her and she’s her best friend, adding that she better tell them all of her secrets and she’ll feel much better afterwards. The kwami look on with concern and Trixx starts charging his powers. Wayzz tells to be careful and he shouldn’t do that, with Barkk asking Trixx if he remembers “last time” he used his power without a holder. Trixx points out that Marinette can’t reveal her secret, then uses Mirage.

- “Marinette” runs for the staircase, leaping up and hurrying to the balcony. Lady Wifi gives chase and sees “Marinette” now down from the balcony heading for the school, so she pursues, idly wondering how she did that. She fires at “Marinette,” telling her not to run and reminding her that they’re friends. The rest of the akumatized girls join up with Lady Wifi and they hurry inside the school. “Marinette,” who is not hiding, vanishes, as she was only an illusion.

- The illusion in Marinette’s room drops and Marinette thanks Trixx for it. Marinette then transforms into Ladybug and heads for the stairscase, stopping halfway to ask Trixx about using his powers without a holder since it’s supposed to cause a disaster. Trixx shrugs and states that his power only causes illusions, so any damage will also be illusory. Ladybug leaves and Trixx gets glared at by Wayzz and Barkk, to which he tells them not to be annoyed since Miraculous Ladybug will be everything... he hopes.

- Ladybug leaves her balcony and notices that the Eiffel Tower seems to be gyrating. She groans Trixx’s name, then yoyos away. The scene then cuts to Adrien in his room watching TV, where the news is talking about the Eiffel Tower’s odd behavior. Plagg says that he bet it was Trixx who did it, then explains that it’s the kwami of illusion when Adrien asks who Trixx is. Adrien states that it’s not an illusion and Ladybug needs help, Plagg groaning about needing to help whether it’s him who makes a mistake or not. Adrien transforms.

- In the school’s library, Lady Wifi and Timebreaker enter, the people in the library freaking as as the two go off and uses their powers, Lady Wifi firing randomly and Timebreaker touching people to get more energy to go back in time. Horrificator also scares people in the bathroom in order to power up, while Reflekta and Princess Fragrance enter the art room and asks if anyone’s seen Marinette. When they shake their heads at them, Princess Fragrance adds that they’ll help them find her, both her and Reflekta firing at all of them. The Reflekta copies leave the school and go to search for Marinette. The akumatized girl squad then exit the school, with Lady Wifi saying that Marinette is hidden somewhere and suggesting they separate.

- While the akumatized girl squad goes on a rampage, Chat Noir is running across the rooftops and quckly hides somewhere, calling Ladybug on his baton. Ladybug answers and Chat comments that the supervillains are “having a party and they haven’t been invited.” Ladybug explains that they’re searching for their classmate, Marinette, to which Chat comments that they’ve saved her multiple times yet everyone seems to like her. Ladybug adds that it seems like Marinette got into a fight with her friends all at once, looking down sadly. Chat Noir asks if she’s still there (I legitimately don’t know what else he was expecting her to say considering she answered his question) due to the silence of the call, to which Ladybug tells him that she was thinking. She points out that they’ll have a hard time finding the object since there are five akumatized villains, and Chat infers that she already has an idea. Ladybug does, saying that she wants to isolate one of them so she can tell her where the akuma is, but Chat needs to stop Timebreaker specifically from going back in time or else the plan might fail. Chat agrees and wishes her good luck, Ladybug doing the same in kind before hanging up.

- Timebreaker, who is rollerblading around and touching people, is stopped by Chat Noir, who tries to banter with her. Timebreaker states that she can’t be wasting time with him and attacks, Chat Noir blocking with his baton.

- Meanwhile, Lady Wifi is leaping across rooftops when she’s suddenly entangled and brought down by Ladybug’s yoyo, dropping her phone in the process. Ladybug steps on it, but there’s no akuma inside. Ladybug is surprised and Lady Wifi mocks her, stating that it’s “too bad” and that she’s not the one with the akuma. Ladybug says that it’s no big deal and she just wanted to talk. Lady Wifi responds by saying that she won’t tell Ladybug anything.

- Cut back to Timebreaker and Chat Noir fighting. Shadow Moth contacts the akumatized JARM and tells them that Lady Wifi is struggling against Ladybug, to which they agree to take care of it. Timebreaker leaves even as Chat Noir tries to get her to come back.

- Back with Ladybug and Lady Wifi, Ladybug asks if she’s having problems with her best friend. Lady Wifi isn’t talking, averting her gaze, while the akumatized JARM is shown to be on their way. Ladybug pretends not to know what happened between Alya and Marinette, but says that she’d like to talk to Lady Wifi about a friend of hers; a superhero, Rena Rouge. This catches Lady Wifi’s attention and Ladybug adds that they obviously have secrets between each other, even just because of her secret identity, but that they trust one another anyway even if they can’t tell each other everything, which allows them to fight alongside each other. Lady Wifi looks downwards in thought and Ladybug tells her that she can reject Shadow Moth’s power.

- Lady Wifi shuts her eyes tight, focusing. Shadow Moth’s symbol appears over her face, with Shadow Moth telling her not to listen because she’ll never know Marinette’s secret if she doesn’t, nor Ladybug’s. Lady Wifi falters and Ladybug tells her that she has absolute trust in her and that she needs her; she needs Rena Rouge. Lady Wifi clenches her fists and clutches her head, Ladybug watching tensely as Lady Wifi break freak of Shadow Moth’s mind, Shadow Moth himself shown to be holding his head from the mental impact, stating that such a thing is impossible.

- Lady Wifi de-transforms and Alya collapses. Ladybug goes to her and helps her up, calling her incredible and stating that no one’s ever done that before. Alya says that it’s because Ladybug is an incredible friend and they fist bump. Ladybug then gets a call from Chat that the Gang of Secrets is looking for her, adding that he’s trying to stop them - currently in the middle of fighting all but Horrificator - but doesn’t know how long he can hold them back. Shadow Moth contacts the remaining four akuamtized girls and tells them that Lady Wifi betrayed them and preferred Ladybug’s team, ordering them to hurry up and deal with Chat so they can take care of Ladybug.

- Ladybug asks Alya which object the akuma is in. Alya explains that it’s in a bracelet that Timebreaker should have, but that Ladybug and Chat Noir won’t be able to defeat four villains at the same time (meanwhile, me having flashbacks to “Mayura”). Ladybug says that it’s time to call the mistress of illusions and pulls out her yoyo. She opens it, reaching inside a ladybug-patterned portal to pull out the fox miraculous. Alya is in awe and asks how she did that, Ladybug explaining that it’s something new that happened since she became the guardian of the miraculouses (before anyone asks; no, there was no pre-established moment of her realizing that she could do this). Alya is about to loudly repeating “the guardian of the miraculouses,” but stops halfway and slaps her hands over her mouth. Ladybug tells her to keep the scoop to herself and especially not to post it on the LadyBlog. Alya promises and adds that she knows how to keep a secret, promptly putting on the necklace and transforming.

- Meanwhile, Reflekta has Chat down on the ground, sitting on his back with his arm (the one with his ring) twisted behind him, and . Ladybug and Rena Rouge watch from a distance and Ladybug uses Lucky Charm, getting an inner tube in response. Her lucky visions spots Timebreaker, Chat Noir, Rena Rouge, then the building with the swimming poll. Ladybug tells Rena that she has a plan.

- Back with Chat and the akumatized JARM, Chat threatens Timebreaker that he’ll activate his power if she tries to take the ring, and who knows what’ll happen to her then. Princess Fragrance approaches and asks why they should bother taking it by force when she can just make him her slave and make him give it to her. Ladybug then tells Rena Rouge that it’s time to use her power, Rena hopping up to higher on the rooftop and using Mirage.

- An illusion of Marinette appears, crying out for Chat Noir in concern. The akumatized JARM notice her and all four run off to chase her, even as Hawk Moth protests and orders them to take Chat’s miraculous first. Ladybug and Rena Rouge descend to help Chat Noir up, who thanks them for the help. Ladybug tells him that’s what friends are for, then tells both Chat and Rena to go to the pool. Chat asks what she’s going to do and Ladybug says that she’ll distract the akumatized JARM, adding that Rena will explain the rest of plan.

- The illusion of Marinette runs into the building with the swimming pool, Ladybug descending just as the remaining members of the Gang of Secrets try to pursue her. Shadow Moth orders his group to take Ladybug’s miraculous and Timebreaker tells the other three to deal with Ladybug while she takes care of Marinette. Ladybug lets Timebreaker jump over her to head inside, then tries to defend herself against the remaining three. However, Horrificator (very large from all the people she’s scared) snatches up Ladybug within a few seconds, holding her in one hand while Princess Fragrance holds up to Horrificator’s shoulder and walks along her arm to head for Ladybug.

- Back with Mirage’d Marinette, she looks behind her to see Timebreaker there. Timebreaker says that it’s time to reveal her secrets, and the scene briefly cuts back to Princess Fragrance telling Ladybug not to resist, adding that she’ll soon do everything they’ll tell her to, ordering her to give them her miraculous first. Shadow Moth is in his lair, saying that it’s his time (i.e: that he’s about to win). Timebreaker tells Marinette that she can’t escape her and Marinette runs onto a plank at the center of the pool. Time breaker makes a giant leap up and starts descending on Marinette, reaching out to touch her, but Rena Rouge drops her illusion, both Marinette and the plank underneath her fading. Timebreaker gasps in shock and plummets upside-down into the water, at which point AquaChat slips the inner tube on her, trapping her arms at her sides. He pulls her down, then lets go, forcing Timebreaker up out of the water, flipping and landing right-side-up. Chat then uses Cataclysm and breaks the object, freeing the akuma. Timebreaker de-akumatizes into Alix, who looks around in confusion and watches the akuma fly off.

- Meanwhile, Princess Fragrance is about to take Ladybug’s earrings when she starts de-akumatizing too, as well as Horrificator and Reflekta. Ladybug and Rose fall due to no longer being supported by Horrificator’s body, and Ladybug safely catches Rose, who thanks her. Ladybug lets her go with a smile, then notices the akuma leaving the swimming pool building, pulling out her yoyo and de-akumatizing it. That done, she casts Miraculous Ladybug, returning everything - including the still-gyrating Eiffel Tower - back to normal.

- JARM are hugging Ladybug looks down sadly. Rena holds out her fist for a pound and Ladybug looks over to see that Chat Noir is also ready for one. The three pound it and the scene cuts to Shadow Moth’s lair where he’s seen monologing about how Ladybug’s made mistakes in the past and she will make more (goes without saying, my dude, considering it’s literally a rule of the show and objectively the dumbest one, you ain’t cool for predicting what’s already confirmed), adding that he’ll end up finding out her secret on day.

- Rena Rouge and Ladybug land in an alley and Rena de-transformed, Alya high-fiving Trixx afterwards. Alya returns the miraculous to Ladybug and thanks her, Ladybug adding that - without her and Char Noir’s help - she wouldn’t have been able to succeed. She tells Alya that she’s lucky to have friends like her, thanking her, and Alya hugs her. Ladybug returns the embrace and the scene cuts to Marinette, now holding the “eternal friendship bracelet” in both hands.

- Marinette admits to the girls that her break-up with Luka broke her heart and not being able to tell Adrien how she felt also made her feel terrible. She slumps onto her chaise lounge and laments over how difficult love is, saying that she thinks she’ll focus on friendship from now on because it’s already complicated enough keeping her friends. Rose tells her to take her time and Mylene assures her that everything will work out, Alya approaches and taking Marinette’s hands to say that - whatever happens - they’re always there for her. Alya then pulls Marinette off the chaise and all the girls hug her, Alix chiming into say that - whenever Marinette feels ready - she can say so and they’ll come up with an “awesome plan” to tell Adiren, Luka, or whoever that she loves them. Everyone laughs and Marinette comments that she loves the girls, leading them to hug again.

- Alya and JARM are on their way out, Alix saying good-bye and Rose saying that they’ll see Marinette tomorrow. Marinette waves, then glances at the friendship bracelet now on her wrist, looking down at it sadly. Alya - again, the last one out - notices and tells the other girls that she’ll join them later because she has one last thing to say to Marinette. Alya then shuts the trap door and goes over to Marinette, taking her by the shoulder and leading her back towards the chaise.

- Alya tells Marinette that she didn’t tell them everything, and she can tell because she’s a reporter and her best friend and she feels those kinds of things. Marinette slumps back onto the chaise and Alya assures her that she’s not going to investigate or force Marinette to tell her what it is. She settles down on the chaise and puts a hand on Marinette’s back, saying that it’s in Marinette’s right if she doesn’t want to talk about what’s happening. Marinette asks if they’ll always be friends and Alya says that she’s her best friend and always will be, which is why it hurts her to not be able to help Marinette feel less alone. Marinette averts her gaze sadly and Alya sighs, getting back up and starting to leave.

- Marinette then catches Alya’s hand, telling her to stay. Alya looks back and Marinette admits that Alya’s right and she’s very lonely; more alone than ever before, and she’s finding it harder and hard to resist it. She points out that she didn’t break up with Luka because she didn’t like him - he’s amazing - and the break-up was because there’s something she can’t tell him, adding that she’s drawing a line with Adrien because it’ll be the same with him. She admits that she has secrets and lies all the time - to her friends, to her parents, to everyone - and how the worst part is that she can’t do a thing about it. Alya says that there’s always a choice and Marinette argues that there’s not one for her; that it’s beyond just them and it’s too heavy of a burden to carry. Alya suggests that they’d at least be two to carry it if it’s too heavy, and Marinette laments that things will never be the same if she tells her; that it’ll destroy everything and change it all. Alya assures Marinette that, whatever she says, she’s her friend, and Marinette starts to say something before she cuts herself of, pausing, then turns to Alya and tells her that she’s Ladybug.

- Alya’s brows raises in surprise, the two doing nothing but stare at each other before Alya looks pained and leans in to hug Marinette, who hugs her in return. The kwami are seen hovering above them and the episode ends.

[introvertguide]

Duck Soup (1933); AFI #60

The next film on the AFI top 100 is a throwback to before the Golden Age of Hollywood when "talkies" were new, Duck Soup (1933). This film was the last attached to a 5 feature contract that the Marx Brothers had with Paramount pictures. It was moderately well received at the time but has since become the most critically acclaimed of the Marx Brothers films. The movie is only 68 minutes and is absolutely packed with gags. It is not, however, packed with a storyline or plot. I want to very briefly go over the summary because that is not what this movie is known for. Let's unnecessarily start with...

SPOILER ALERT? THIS MOVIE HAS NO PLOT. IT IS ALL ABOUT SITE GAGS AND SET PIECES. READ AWAY!!! IT WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TO HURT THE EXPERIENCE!!!

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The film starts off with the wealthy Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont) insisting that a man that she is sweet on, Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho), be appointed leader of the small, bankrupt country of Freedonia before she will continue to provide much-needed financial aid. Meanwhile, neighboring Sylvania is attempting to annex the country. Sylvanian ambassador Trentino (Louis Calhem) tries to foment a revolution and to woo Mrs. Teasdale, and he tries to dig up dirt on Firefly by sending in spies Chicolini (Chico) and Pinky (Harpo).

After failing to collect useful information against Firefly, Chicolini and Pinky are able to infiltrate the government when Chicolini is appointed Secretary of War after Firefly sees him selling peanuts outside his window. Meanwhile, Firefly's secretary, Bob Roland (Zeppo), suspects Trentino's motives, and he advises Firefly to get rid of Trentino by insulting him. Firefly agrees to the plan, but after a series of personal insults exchanged between Firefly and Trentino, the plan backfires when Firefly slaps Trentino instead of being slapped by him. As a result, the two countries come to the brink of war. Adding to the international friction is the fact that Firefly is also courting Mrs. Teasdale, and, like Trentino, hoping to get his hands on her late husband's wealth.

Trentino learns from his femme fatale spy, Vera Marcal (Raquel Torres), that Freedonia's plans of war are in Mrs. Teasdale's safe and tells her to assist Chicolini and Pinky in stealing them. Chicolini is caught by Firefly and put on trial, during which war is officially declared, and everyone is overcome by war frenzy, breaking into song and dance. Chicolini and Pinky join Firefly and Bob Roland in anarchic battle, resulting in general mayhem.

After a fierce battle, the end of the film finds Trentino caught in a makeshift pillory, with the Brothers pelting him with fruit. Trentino surrenders, but Firefly tells him to wait until they run out of fruit. Mrs. Teasdale begins singing the Freedonia national anthem in her operatic voice and the Brothers begin hurling fruit at her instead.

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There are many exceptionally good and bad aspects of this film. On the good side, there are a couple of amazing set pieces that the Marx Brothers did like no other. The mirror scene in which Groucho and Harpo stand in front of each other and Harpo perfectly mimics his brother's movements was outstanding. Specifically, there is a point where Groucho stands outside the reflection and moves in a ridiculous way past what he thinks is a reflection. The mirroring between the brothers is exceptional. Add in the same dressing gown and cap to the actual resemblance (they are full actual brothers) makes for quite an effect. This mirror gag was first done on film by Charlie Chaplin almost 15 years earlier, but this is likely the most well known and best done example of the bit by real people. It was repeated by Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, The Pink Panther, Tom and Jerry, Scooby-Doo, and the Smurfs. That kind of mirror quality action was only repeatable through animation, apparently.

The constant wardrobe changes during the frenzied war scene have caused full speculative articles to be written. Groucho starts out in a Union officer suit, then appears in a Confederate officer suite, then a British palace guard uniform, and then in what looks to be a boy scout officer suit, and finally a Davy Crockett hat? The deep cynicism and anti-war sentiment of the brothers was blatant. It is summed up by the line "while you're out out there risking life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are." The United States had just gotten out of a war and many militaristic leads felt the need to show off. This lack of care after feeling so dominant following WW1 was the mindset that in part led to the Stock Market crash and the Great Depression. There was turmoil brewing in Europe and many Americans wanted nothing to do with it after seeing so many young boys getting ripped apart by trench warfare and machine gun fire. The brothers were satirizing all of those figures that we use to teach boys to want to fight for their country. They also went after what they believed were the causes of many wars: money and moral indignation between powerful men.

Although the film gives the audience insight into the mindset of much of the population during those extremely turbulent times between wars, it also boasts some of the most unsophisticated humor of a new visual medium. The silly songs do not translate well and sound like something created by a child. With truly clever artists like Frank Zappa, the Dead Kennedys, and national treasure Weird Al Yankovic, the Marx Brother's songs just sound lame to me. I think the same of Groucho's one liners. With comedians like Mitch Hedberg, Paula Poundstone, Steven Wright, and Jimmy Carr, the work of Groucho Marx feels seriously dated and quite cringy.

The real let down for me in this particular film was the fighting between Harpo and the Lemonade salesman. In fact, the character of Pinkie was "The Joker" levels of psychotic. I know he represented the constant undermining of communism. That is fine and makes a good point. Practically speaking, though, he reveled in causing problems for no reason and he was a constant nuisance. I have been around a lot of teachers and they sat that students who act like that are the bane of everyone's existence. It may be witty, but it is not funny. I have seen movies like Borat and Jackass, who are at least very creative in the way they cause problems and mostly harm themselves. I legitimately hate the character of Pinky and find him devoid of any real humor beyond the mirror scene. I also realize that Chicolini is a play on Mussolini, but I didn't really find him funny either. I want to emphasize that these are my opinions and I welcome comments on why Pinkie and Chicolini are hilarious.

There are some things that I do forgive and almost find charming. Directors from the silent film era had to emphasize that their actors over dramatize their lines so that the audience could get even a modicum of tone. This over-the-top dramatic speaking continued with many actors into the era of talking pictures. You can tell that this film was made near the change over because a lot of the actors talk like they are making one continual speech. Just about everyone is projecting for the cheap seats, and I totally appreciate it and smile. I also appreciate that the Marx Brothers absolutely jam pack the film with gags. I don't think many of the gags are funny, but I acknowledge that the movie is 68 minutes of constant jokes and the Marx Brothers made a concerted effort to give their audience the most bang for their buck. Good for them.

So does this movie belong on the AFI top 100? I am actually going to say no. I think that Horse Feathers is a funnier film and has the iconic football scene that got a screen cap on the cover of Time magazine. If the AFI was going to choose a Paramount produced Marx Brothers film, this one seems to me to only be second or third choice of the five. Would I recommend it? Sure. It is definitely dated and the jokes will not make a lot of sense any more, but some of the scenes have become iconic and it is fun to see what has been so heavily referenced in current media. It is a pretty fun movie to sit back and just experience for an hour, so I would give it a shot.

[lovemesomesurveys]

“I’m a dick, I’m addicted to you”

Do you add extra letters to words sometimes? (ex. haaaa) Yeahhh.

Do you like the letter Z or Q better? I don’t favor one over the other. Who would you like to be stuck on an island with? I’d like to not be stuck on an island at all. What's your favorite quote? I have a lot of favorite quotes. I just love relatable stuff that puts into words how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking better than I can. I struggle with expressing myself and putting it into words, so. Name one random fact about your best friend. She loves the ID channel.

Do you like vegetables or fruit better? Gonna be honest, I don’t eat much of either one. Especially, fruit... it’s been a few years since I’ve had any. :X I have spinach, potatoes, and green onions pretty often, but that’s all the veggies I’ve had in a few years as well. In comparison to my zero fruit intake it’s something at least, ha. There are fruits I like and a few more veggies as well, but I just haven’t had them in awhile. What brand of shoes do you wear? Adidas. What's your favorite smiley face? On the computer I use :) Do you believe that if someone goes to bed thinking of u, u dream of them? I’ve heard that before and it can be a cute thought, but nah. Have you ever snitched on someone for cheating? No. Do you own a Snuggie? I do. What's your favorite number? 8. Which of the 7 dwarves are you most like from Snow White? Sleepy. What's the last movie you watched? Dumb and Dumber yesterday. What's your favorite month? October and December.

“I’m alright”

Do you like the smell of campfires? Yesss. If you could do one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? I don’t know. Do you like eggnog? Yes. Is there a song out right now that you can't stand? I haven’t heard any new music recently. I haven’t been listening to music lately. If you could stay one age forever, what age would you pick? I’d be fine if I just stayed 31 here on out. What's your favorite state? I like my state the best out of the few states I’ve been to (the others being Arizona, Idaho, and Georgia). There’s a few I’d like to visit that could potentially take the top spot for me, though. Have you ever went in public with your tag still on your clothes? I don’t think so.

Would you say your loud or shy? I’m quiet and shy. What's your favorite symbol on the computer? I don’t have one. Are you afraid of clowns? Pennywise is awesome. Do you wear glasses? I do. Ever rode on a horse? Just on one at the pumpkin patch as a kid. Poor horse, guided around in a circle all day.  Do you have trouble saying or spelling some words? I think I spell pretty well. I stumble over my words when I talk sometimes, but I think my pronunciation is pretty good. Have you ever thought something was just to good to be true? Many times. And when I think that, it’s usually true. Do you like potatoes? I love potatoes.

“I’m in trouble, I’m an addict, I’m addicted to this girl”

Are you random? My thoughts and dreams are really random, but I wouldn’t describe myself that way. I’d say I’m predictable and boring. Do you believe that aliens are real? I don’t know. Certainly not the weird looking green creatures that are usually depicted for some reason. Do you sleep with the TV on? I do. I’ve done that ever since I was a kid. What's the longest you've slept in? Like 5PM or so. Have you ever seen a hairy toe? Yes. What's the last thing you watched on TV? Roseanne this morning. Do you have a song stuck in your head? Not at the moment. Who do you talk to the most? My mom and brother. What's the first thing you get on when the internet comes up? When the internet comes up oh man, was this made in the late 90s, early 2000s? lol. The first thing I do when I get on my laptop is continue scrolling through my Tumblr feed or do a survey. When's the last time you were sick? I’ve been sick with something for the past week. And no, it’s not the rona.

Which is your favorite: Music, Dogs, Shoes, Books, Jonas Brother? I love a variety of music, I love doggos in general, but I’m biased towards Labs and German Shepherds, Adidas are my favorite shoes, and back in my die hard Jonas Brothers days I was a total Joe girl. What color is your hair brush? Rose gold. Do you enjoy arcades? I did when I was a kid. We used to have one at my mall back when I was a kid that was a fun place to go. And Chuck E Cheese, ha. Have you ever liked 2 people at once? Yes. Have you taken a nap today? Not so far.

“show me the meaning of being lonely”

Would you ever want to be in a horror movie? I think it’d certainly come off as believable because I’m such a scardy cat and super jumpy. Being chased would genuinely scare me even it was acting. Even knowing what was going to happen I know I’d still be jumpy. Only thing is I don’t have the scream down that you gotta have for a horror movie.  Have you ever been to Washington D.C? Nope. Do you hate when girls have guyish names and boys have girly names? I really don’t care.  Have you lost or gained any weight since February? I know I haven’t gained any weight. I’ve probably lost some weight, which is really not good for someone who’s already underweight.  Have you ever felt like no one wanted to be around you? Yes. I don’t even want to be around me. I often feel like I’m such a burden and annoyance. It’s my own thinking and feeling, though. My family doesn’t do or say anything to make me feel that way. I have had other people make me feel that way, though.   Have you ever had to use a pay phone? Yes. Have you listened to music today? Nope. It’s been awhile since I’ve listened to music, actually. Do you only drink bottled water? Yes. Don’t judge me. I bet someone is on your mind right now, right? No, actually. Do you like writing in pen or pencil better? Pen, definitely. What's the last magazine you bought? I don’t even remember it’s been so long. Has anyone in your family ever forgot your birthday? My parents, brother, and close family members always remember. Was it any of your friends birthday in the past week? My older brother’s birthday was a couple days ago. Is anyone else in the same room as you? Nope. Are you one of the popular people in your grade? I’m done with school, but no I was never popular.

“you never call me when you’re sober”

What word best describes you in the dictonary? ”Depressed”, “Awkward”, “Lame”, “Loser”, “Ugly”... Do you like Soy Milk? Yeah, I’m lactose intolerant. I use that or almond milk. I don’t drink any kind of milk by itself, but I use those in stuff like coffee drinks and cereal. And for dunking my cookies and brownies in. Where were you at 10:30am yesterday? Right here in bed where I spent all weekend. I was having a really rough weekend. I felt really shitty and had zero energy. I couldn’t even drag myself outta bed for coffee, so that’s how you know I was feeling really bad. Thankfully, my mom and brother brought me a Starbucks. Do you think ghosts are real? I believe in spirits, but not actual Caspers. Do you know anyone who has been attacked by a shark? No. What is your best friend's mom name? Lupe. Have you ever made out in a movie theatre? No. What part of your body do you wash first? My arms and work my way down. Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie. How do you think the dinosaurs died? An asteroid. What's your favorite flavor of Pringles? Sour cream and onion, cheddar and sour cream, pizza, and ranch.  What was the last thing you got grounded for? Something when I was like 12. Did you go to a water park last summer? I don’t go to the water park ever. What shoe do you put on first? I think the right. Finish the sentence: Girls.. Just wanna have fun.

“I think we’re alone now”

Have you ever had a song or poem written about you? No. Did you have a nickname growing up? My family called my Noodles, ha. When was the last time you played the air guitar? I don’t know. Have you ever biten your toenail? Ew, no. I’m not flexible enough to even do that, but I would never want to so it’s fine. Have you ever been dared to do something that you regretted? No. I didn’t do dares. Favorite website? Tumblr and YouTube. Worst thing that has ever happened to you? Probably the incident that made me a paraplegic at 7 months old. That’s certainly top of the list. Best thing that has happened to you? My doggos are definitely amongst the top. Best friend? My mom. If you could dye your hair any color, what color would it be? I dye it red and would like to continue to do so. Do you have a wii? It’s my brother’s, but since we live in the same house and I’ve used it, too, I’m gonna say yes.  Most used phrase on IM? I don’t remember, it’s been over a decade since I’ve used IM. Have you ever heard of The Beatles? Of course. Have you ever wanted to give money to a charity? Yes, and I have given to charities.

“Who says you’re not beautiful?”

Would you ever want to have 14 kids? Uh, noooo. I don’t even want one.  Are you wearing any bracelets right now? Nope. Do you have any jewelry that once belonged to an old family member? No. Do you dream every night? I usually do. Give me on of your goals Just taking it day by day. Do you like skinny jeans? Yeah, those are the only jeans I have. Do you ever say stuff that you don’t mean? It happens. Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it? Yeah, but that was back when I was 16 and felt pressured into saying it back to my boyfriend at the time even though I didn’t have those feelings. Ever since then I haven’t thrown those words around lightly. What is your dream guy/girl? A patient, understanding, caring, loving, trustworthy, good sense of humor kind of guy. Do you hate when people overract? I can definitely be one of those people that overreact. And I know I’m overreacting when it’s happening, but I can’t help myself. I sometimes see people in situations where I’m like, ‘omg, they’re totally overreacting’ and think it could be handled differently, but yet I do the same thing. When was the last time you used the oven? It’s been awhile, actually... I don’t remember. Have you ever wanted to be free like a bird? ”And I’m as free as a bird now... and this bird you cannot change.” Are you a worrier? Oh am I ever. Does your house have an attic? Nope. Are you going fishing this weekend? No. I don’t go fishing.

[tunehummed]

TWO-PLAYER GAME. — 355 sentences from joe iconis and george salazar’s 2018 album plus a few bonuses from live performances! change pronouns as needed. trigger warning for mentions of drugs, depression, and suicide.

BROADWAY, HERE I COME.

‛ i’m high above the city. ’

‛ i’m standing on the ledge. ’

‛ the view from here is pretty. ’

‛ and i step off the edge. ’

‛ and now i’m fallin’, baby, through the sky. ’

‛ it’s my callin’, baby, don’t you cry. ’

‛ i’m fallin’ down through the sky. ’

‛ broadway, here i come. ’

‛ i could almost go to pieces, but i’m not quite there yet. ’

‛ see i’ve been bravin’ crazy weather, drownin’ out my cries. ’

‛ i pull myself together. ’

‛ i’m focused on the prize. ’

‛ and it’s a tune you can hum. ’

‛ will i remain the same, or will i change a little bit? ’

‛ will i feel broken or totally complete? ’

‛ will i retain my name when i’m the biggest, hugest hit? ’

‛ or will i blend in with the rest of the street? ’

‛ the people all are pointing. ’

‛ i bet they’d never guess that the saint that they’re anointing is frightened of the mess. ’

‛ but even though i fear it, i’m playin’ all my cards. ’

‛ baby, you are gonna hear it when i give them my regards. ’

‛ and i refuse to go numb. ’

‛ is it a scream or a cheer? ’

‛ well, never mind, i’ll never find out. ’

‛ cause broadway, i am here. ’

TWO-PLAYER GAME.

‛ find the bad guy, push ‘em aside. ’

‛ then move on forward with your friend at your side. ’

‛ it’s a two-player game. ’

‛ so when they make an attack, you know you got a brother. ’

‛ gonna have your back. ’

‛ remain on course! ’

‛ and if they give you a smack, you use your force! ’

‛ and if you leave your brother behind it’s lame. ’

‛ cause it’s an effed up world. ’

‛ dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette. ’

‛ it’s just that no one else but me thinks that yet. ’

‛ you’re just a nothing in this high school scheme. ’

‛ but it’s no big cause you and i are a team. ’

‛ nobody here appreciates, but soon we’ll be together where they do. ’

‛ cause guys like us are cool in college. ’

‛ we rule in college. ’

‛ high school is hell, but we navigate it well. ’

‛ it’s what we do. ’

‛ we make it a two-player game. ’

‛ as losers, we have fought together for years. ’

‛ now we’re stuck on a level and i wanna move on. ’

‛ just wait two years whereupon you’ll realize guys like us are cool in college. ’

‛ dude, i know, i get it. ’

‛ but we’re not in college. ’

‛ high school is wack, but we have each other’s back. ’

‛ you know that you are my favorite person. ’

‛ that doesn’t mean that i can’t still dream. ’

‛ is it really true? ’

‛ we’re never not gonna be a team. ’

‛ high school is shit, and you gotta help me conquer it. ’

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL.

‛ i love play rehearsal. ’

‛ because it’s the best. because it is fun. ’

‛ and i get depressed as soon as it’s done. ’

‛ see, i just use the word to emphasize the point. ’

‛ i am passionate a lot. ’

‛ i have mad, gigantic feelings. ’

‛ red and frantic feelings about most everything. ’

‛ like if i’m living up to all i’m meant to be. ’

‛ oh, uh… where was i? ’

‛ cause you are equipped with directions and text. ’

‛ life is easy in rehearsal. ’

‛ you follow a script so you know what comes next. ’

‛ sometimes life can’t work out the way it works out in the play. ’

‛ only when i’m in a show am i the center of attention. ’

‛ like when i’m [role] or [role] and can i mention? ’

‛ those were two of my greatest roles. did you see those? ’

‛ and no matter how hard i try, it’s impossible to narrow down the many reasons why. ’

‛ i happiness cry whenever it starts! ’

‛ it’s just so universal, getting to try playing so many parts. ’

‛ most humans do one thing for all of their lives. the thought of that gives me hives! ’

‛ i’ve got so many interests i wanna pursue. ’

‛ and why am i telling this to you? ’

‛ guess there’s a part of me that wants to. ’

‛ my brain is like ‘bzzz.’ my heart is like ‘wow!’ ’

‛ and it’s starting soon. ’

TINY SHORT LITTLE SONG.

‛ monkeys are cool. babies are too. ’

‛ they make funny sounds that sound simple and new. ’

‛ these are sounds that belong in my tiny short little song. ’

ANDY’S SONG.

‛ i ride my bike to work every morning. ’

‛ i ring my bell and make sure my helmet’s tight. ’

‛ MOVE, ASSHOLE! ’

‛ have a nice day! ’

‛ that happy grin is enough to provide me with total satisfaction for a long, long while! ’

‛ and i don’t have a car because of pollution. ’

‛ so completely not cause i’m much too scared to drive. ’

‛ i’ve gotten pretty far in my evolution. ’

‛ i don’t need a lot to be totally alive! ’

‛ you know those bicycle seats cut down on your sperm count. ’

‛ uuuh… i know that cause you tell me everyday. ’

‛ that boy needs to get laid. ’

‛ i tuck my polo shirt in my levis cause it looks SHARP! okay? ’

‛ how come every person i receive tries to tell me i need ‘something more?’ ’

‛ i don’t need a girlfriend, i got a goldfish! ’

‛ i don’t have a secret dream or some bold wish. ’

‛ i’m fine with what i’ve got, i feel totally alive! ’

‛ i never open it or shake it, too afraid i’d break it. ’

‛ i’ve had self-control since way back then. ’

‛ there’s nothing else i really need. ’

‛ you may think that i want more than i let on, but i’m really fine. ’

‛ but i’m really fine, so no need to be appalled. ’

‛ i’m this way by choice and what you can bet is i’ll keep moving forward. ’

‛ i’ll keep moving forward, the opposite of stalled! ’

‛ your bike is LITERALLY stalled in front of my car! ’

‛ i don’t have a car cause they’re overrated. ’

‛ i don’t have a girlfriend and somehow, i survive! ’

‛ and just as i’ve stated, i mean what i’ve said. ’

‛ sure as the helmet’s on my head, i feel totally alive! ’

‛ i’m the opposite of dead, i feel totally alive! ’

THE ANSWER.

‛ when a fire starts in the hull, how much time do you have before it spreads to the deck? ’

‛ minutes? hours? what time is it anyway? ’

‛ how do you tell your family that you wanna quit school and just play with your band? ’

‛ when a fire starts in the hall, how much time do you have before it burns itself out? ’

‛ and why do i feel like i’m choking lately? ’

‛ what am i doing here? ’

‛ what am i looking for? ’

‛ maybe school, or maybe love, or maybe none of the above is the answer. ’

‛ maybe for once i’ll really try, or fuck it all and just get high cause that’s an answer. ’

‛ cause that’s answer. feels like an answer. ’

‛ and who do i wanna be? ’

‛ what’s the furthest distance a ship can be from shore before it loses its signal? ’

‛ maybe i’ll practice my guitar, or read a book, or steal a car and steal the answer. ’

‛ i’ll get a job and i’ll get paid, or get a girlfriend and get laid, and get the answer. ’

‛ i’ll join the army, go to war, give up my smokes or smoke some more. ’

‛ i need an answer. ’

‛ move to the village, shave my head, wind up happy, wind up dead. ’

‛ wind up in debt, wind up in love, or maybe none of the above is the answer. ’

‛ maybe it’s okay that i don’t have a plan and i don’t have a clue. ’

‛ i’m 19 and that doesn’t mean that i should know exactly what i wanna do, right? ’

‛ i’m 19 and that doesn’t that i should know what i wanna do. ’

‛ i’ve got time to make mistakes, make up my mind. ’

‛ i’ve got time enough to find out all the answers. ’

‛ but i am scared and i’m afraid that a decision won’t get made. ’

‛ i’m afraid that a decision won’t get made and i’ll be like this forever. ’

‛ i need help, need extra help to find the answers. ’

‛ what’s the answer? ’

‛ i don’t know. ’

‛ pencils down, papers turned over. time’s up. ’

‛ time’s up. ’

LISA.

‛ ain’t got no future. ’

‛ ain’t got no future, but i got ADD. ’

‛ but i got ADD. ’

‛ i steal from 7/11. ’

‛ i’m fuckin’ ugly. ’

‛ but she pretends she doesn’t care. ’

‛ she laughs and smiles, fingers through my hair. ’

‛ she must be ashamed of me. ’

‛ so i try and i try to change myself. ’

‛ so i try and i try to change myself, but my back’s against a wall. ’

‛ but my back’s against a wall. ’

‛ i don’t deserve all the coolness of her. ’

‛ i don’t deserve [name] at all. ’

‛ pollute my body. ’

‛ she makes me feel clean, clean, clean. ’

‛ i say ‘i feel like i’m drownin’’. ’

‛ and even though she don’t, she say ‘i know what you mean.’ ’

‛ sign on to AOL and think of funny things to say. ’

‛ she’ll always LOL, never pretends like she’s away. ’

‛ because she likes me for some reason. ’

‛ i know i’m dumb. i know i’m ugly. ’

‛ i know that she is not. ’

‛ i know if i were her i’d hate me. ’

‛ i hope that she does not. ’

‛ i hope that she does not hate me. ’

THE VAGABOND.

‛ i’m wearin’ two pair of underwear, some worn out kicks, and my mangy hair. ’

‛ my mangy hair could formerly be referred to as blond. ’

‛ i’m just a couple years out the clink and i’ll take showers in your kitchen sink. ’

‛ i guess i’m what you’d call a vagabond. ’

‛ i been walkin’ the highway for a while. ’

‛ fragrance of the road is my cologne. ’

‛ maybe i get some sun, maybe get a ride. ’

‛ i don’t worry none, let destiny decide. ’

‛ life’s laid back when you’re totally alone. ’

‛ life’s laid back when you’re on your own. ’

‛ see i don’t have much, don’t have much. ’

‛ don’t want much, don’t want much. ’

‛ don’t need much, don’t need much. ’

‛ don’t need much ‘cept maybe the promise of whiskey at the end of the day. ’

‛ i’m just a vagabond lookin’ for a place to stay. ’

‛ see i walk and walk and walk some more. ’

‛ i’m green grass high and a little sore, hopin’ that a car will soon appear. ’

‛ i stick out my thumb and i let it linger. ’

‛ and my eye kinda travels to the ring on my finger. ’

‛ it reminds me of a woman who’s not here. ’

‛ and my chest starts hurting, that’s just cause of the heat. ’

‛ and for the first time in days, i start feelin’ my feet. ’

‛ i start feelin’ the feelin’, the journey’s crushin’ me. ’

‛ cool it, man, just get it out of your head. ’

‛ where’s the car, where’s the car? this road’s fuckin’ dead! ’

‛ but i don’t worry, just repeat instead. ’

‛ yeah, well fleein’ ain’t a problem for me. ’

‛ cause if you get me down then i guarantee, i’ll up and leave and i never will return. ’

‛ i’ll break your heart, i’ll break your back. i won’t lose no sleep. ’

‛ shit, i can’t keep track of every bridge i use and then i burn. ’

‛ and the thought of what i’d done to you is what sends me through the desert and beyond. ’

‛ i’m up for a trade. just take me far away from mistakes i made. ’

‛ take pity on the broken vagabond. ’

‛ the promise of shelter at the end of the day, from the places where the bad bastards swarm and pray. ’

‛ with every bone in my body wanna hear you say that this vagabond can put his walkin’ shoes away. ’

NORMAN.

‛ i haven’t known her very long. ’

‛ think i can tell that something’s wrong. ’

‛ think i spy tear drops clinging to her pale white skin. ’

‛ on this dirty night, i just want her to feel alright. ’

‛ we all get a little sad sometimes. ’

‛ i want to watch her chew her food. ’

‛ i want to watch her in the nude. ’

‛ i want to watch her wash away her ugly sins. ’

‛ and if i’m caught she will not slap my hands because she understands. ’

‛ because she understands that we all act a little bad. ’

‛ we all act a little bad sometimes. ’

‛ i can see your image in picture frames looking ever so formal. ’

‛ if you rearrange the letters in both our names, you get one away from normal. ’

‛ we’re both one away from normal. ’

‛ i’ve never seen a girl like her. ’

‛ we’re not in love. i wish we were! ’

‛ put all your love inside of me. ’

‛ i’m in a trap so set me free. ’

‛ let’s go right now, the two of us, and not look back. ’

‛ and the logic might be hazy, but i’m hoping that she’s just as crazy. ’

‛ we all go a little mad sometimes. ’

‛ we all go a little mad sometimes. don’t we? ’

‛ i can tell you’re hungry and you need some food. ’

‛ if i didn’t offer i’d be awfully rude. ’

‛ it’s not fancy, it’s not stable. but join me if you’re able. ’

SONG OF THE BROWN BUFFALO.

‛ uuuh, might i ask… who the fuck are you? ’

‛ hey, white man. do you know what i am? ’

‛ i’m the brown buffalo by way of mexico. ’

‛ i am an attorney on a lifelong journey. ’

‛ never met a man i couldn’t devour. ’

‛ never met a plan i couldn’t put in place. ’

‛ they attack, i brace. they escape, i chase. ’

‛ i’m a tad temperamental, so get out my face. ’

‛ i’m mad monumental, see my dick from space! ’

‛ i am strength for the weak, i am speed for the slow. ’

‛ this is the song of the brown buffalo. ’

‛ i’m beastly and i’m brutish and my fur is caked with gore. ’

‛ i’m the trouble you’ve been looking for. ’

‛ you don’t know i’m brilliant cause you only hear my roar. ’

‛ i don’t ever hide from a fight that needs to be fought. ’

‛ i would never filter a cigarette or a thought. ’

‛ my mind is open wide and it grows and it grows. ’

‛ inhibitions cast aside, it just goes where it goes. ’

‛ see i’m a great big bad brown buffalo. ’

‛ my head is full of acid, but my heart is kind and pure. ’

‛ he’s the trouble you’ve been looking for! ’

‛ my politics are liberal, but i pack a .44. ’

‛ i pack a .44, which i use to fight for those who are too weak to wage a war. ’

‛ i’m the trouble we’ve been looking for! ’

‛ my mind is open wide, it expands, it expands. ’

‛ every open gate i pried with these hands. ’

‛ leaving no path untried, walks the sands. ’

‛ i’m no ordinary human, no no no. ’

‛ this is my birthright, baby, and this is my song! ’

‛ food, booze, drugs, guns, and radical politics! ’

‛ you’re the brown buffalo. ’

‛ see now you know. ’

MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM.

‛ i am hanging in the bathroom at the biggest party of the fall. ’

‛ i could stay right here or disappear, and nobody’d even notice at all. ’

‛ i’m a creeper in a bathroom cause my buddy kinda left me alone. ’

‛ but i’d rather fake pee than stand awkwardly or pretend to check a text on my phone. ’

‛ everything felt fine when i was half of a pair. ’

‛ now through no fault of mine, there’s no other half there. ’

‛ now i’m just [name] in the bathroom. ’

‛ [name] in the bathroom at a party. ’

‛ forget how long it’s been. ’

‛ no, you can’t come in! ’

‛ i’m waiting it out till it’s time to leave. ’

‛ i’m just [name] who you don’t know. ’

‛ [name] flyin’ solo. ’

‛ [name] in the bathroom by himself. ’

‛ all by himself. ’

‛ i am hiding, but he’s out there, just ignoring all our history. ’

‛ memories get erased and i’ll get replaced with a newer, cooler version of me. ’

‛ i’ll get replaced with a newer, cooler version of me. ’

‛ i hear a drunk girl sing along to whitney through the door. ’

‛ now there’s no one to make fun of drunk girls with anymore! ’

‛ i half regret the beers. ’

‛ i’ll wait as long as i need till my face is dry. ’

‛ i’ll just blame it on weed or something in my eye. ’

‛ they’re gonna start to shout soon. ’

‛ oh hell yeah, i’ll be out soon! ’

‛ it sucks he left me here alone. ’

‛ here in this teenage battlezone. ’

‛ i feel the pressure blowin’ up. ’

‛ my big mistake was showin’ up. ’

‛ i throw some water in my face and i am in a better place. ’

‛ i go to open up the door, but i can’t hear knocking anymore. ’

‛ and i can’t help but yearn for a different time. ’

‛ then i look in the mirror and the present is clearer. ’

‛ this is a heinous night. ’

‛ i wish i stayed at home in bed, watching cable porn. ’

‛ wish i offed myself instead, wish i was never born! ’

‛ i’m just [name] who’s a loner, so he must be a stoner. ’

‛ god, he’s such a loser! ’

‛ all you know about me is my name. ’

‛ awesome party, i’m so glad i came. ’

THE GOODBYE SONG.

‛ the time has come. ’

‛ i’m flying away. ’

‛ mouth is numb. heart don’t know what to say. ’

‛ and although i’ll be out of sight, dear, know i’ll be right here. ’

‛ right here forever. ’

‛ and when you look to the night skies, don’t think of goodbyes. ’

‛ think how i’m right here. ’

‛ thank you for teaching me lessons. ’

‛ thank you for listening to mine. ’

‛ don’t be scared, you’ll be fine. ’

‛ come! ’

‛ no, you can’t come with me. ’

‛ stay! ’

‛ i wish i could. ’

‛ goodbye. ’

‛ i know it’s hard to say. ’

‛ i’d stay if i could. ’

‛ i’d stay if i could, but the universe won’t let me. ’

‛ but the universe won’t let me, so please be good. ’

‛ so please be good and don’t you forget me. ’

KABOOM.

‛ i never cared about caring much before. ’

‛ i rolled my eyes and even texting was a chore. ’

‛ i was your average heartless kid. ’

‛ hey, read this book. ’

‛ the book is by some guy who’s dead. ’

‛ i read it and i’m glad i did. ’

‛ it was by a person who i never knew, but the words made sense and the message too. ’

‛ the words made sense and message too. ’

‛ it made me fired up, it made me care. ’

‛ i wasn’t scared, i was not alone. ’

‛ made me wanna make something of my own. ’

‛ something wired up that i could share. ’

‛ and that person i would never see just totally affected me. ’

‛ is that legacy? ’

‛ i never cared about fireworks before. ’

‛ i thought that they were just for babies, nothing more. ’

‛ i was your average fucking kid. ’

‛ i was your average fucking kid, but then i started giving things a second look. ’

‛ but then i started giving things a second look and realized fireworks were kind of like that book. ’

‛ and i’m really glad i did. ’

‛ if handled with intelligence and care, the explosion and the crashing sound can seen and felt for miles around. ’

‛ it reaches folks who weren’t even there. ’

‛ even though i didn’t see the blast, i watched glitter in the sky blow past. ’

‛ and that’s legacy. ’

‛ what do i leave behind? ’

‛ which is why we gotta make a spark. ’

‛ which makes a flame and then will leave its mark for someone else to find. ’

‛ and that person who lived dangerously makes me braver than i used to be. ’

‛ and now i’m fired up and how i care. ’

‛ and i always squeeze my bloody heart and i let it drip into my art. ’

‛ and wow, i’m fired up. ’

‛ the light that shines on the distant shore is the light i will be aiming for, forever. ’

‛ it’s where i want to go. ’

‛ and i’m gonna reach it. ’

‛ oh, on with the wonderful show! ’

[kookadoodle]

Something Between Us (Pt 1)

PLOT: Being best friends with Min Yoongi is not always the easiest thing to do. Especially, when he finds out about your blooming relation to one popular friend of his - Jeon Jungkook.

PAIRING: Jungkook x reader (ft. Yoongi and the other boys) GENRE: fluff, F2L!AU WARNINGS: swearing, a little angsty but lots of fluff WORDCOUNT: 5.5k A/N: my first series is of my main babe ofc x

Pt 2 ♥

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{Y/N’s POV}

I come home to an empty house and I barely notice how the feeling of loneliness pierces me yet again. I have grown used to being alone, but still, I find myself surprised by being left behind by my parents, leaving me a simple note on the fridge, saying, “We will be back in two weeks, money is on the counter”. I sigh as I stare at it, letting my bag fall from my grip, sliding down beside me. I stare at the cursive writing left by my mother on a piece of paper that feels as if it means more to her than I do by now. I know that it is not true, yet if actions speak louder than words, I believe them leaving me a twelve-worded note means less than the fourteen days of their absence. At least I can leave my bag on the floor without being scolded for it. I guess that is a pro. 

I walk back out the way I came, heading for the mailbox out front. I check it and pull out the letter for my father, which I know I will be forced to look at, lying on the dresser in the hallway until they return. My depressed train of thought is suddenly interrupted by a familiar voice. “Did they leave?” Yoongi asks me and I look up, meeting the eyes of my next-door neighbor and best friend. He leans against the mailbox with a disappointed look on his face, mirroring my own. He has lived next to me for the past five years and despite our differences, our similarities brought us together. “Yeah,” I sigh, not bothering to crack a joke as usual. I hate them for leaving me yet again without telling me in advance. I sometimes wonder if they regret having me and are simply living their lives as if canceling me is an option somehow. I know it sounds depressing, but it is true. “Okay,” he says and grabs my wrist, pulling me with him towards his house. “Yoongi, what are you doing?” I ask, scolding him for his tight grip on me. Yoongi might have skinny arms, but he is too strong for me to bother trying to resist. “You are hanging out with me tonight,” he says, pulling me along as if I do not have a choice. I groan yet let him have his way.

We step inside his house and take off our shoes in sync. I notice the chaotic noises coming from his living room “Who do you have over?” I ask in a hushed voice, not wanting his company to hear me. A strained smile forces itself across Yoongi’s face as he avoids my gaze. “Please do not tell me they are all here,” I say as I place my hands over my face in dread. “It’s kind of a sleepover thing,” he says hesitant, knowing it will send me running for the hills. “I am going home, I will not interrupt your bonding-time,” I say, reaching for my shoes. Yoongi grabs my arm, stopping me in my motion. “You are not going home, spending your Friday night in an empty house,” he says seriously, looking me in the eyes. I groan again, letting my shoe fall from my hand in defeat. “I will kill you, Min Yoongi,” I scold him again for forcing me to stay and be social. I do not want to be social, especially around his fuck-boy friends. He tugs on my arm and I follow him into the living room, not knowing what to expect from the rest of the evening.

“Hey guys, Y/N is joining us,” Yoongi says aloud, making the guys on the cornered couch look up and over at me. Five gazes fall upon me, making me unsure of what to do. “Sure, she is welcome,” Namjoon says with a distracted smile, mind still wrapped in the current conversation between the boys. I stand awkwardly, waiting for the worst part to fade. I watch them return to their interrupted chattering. They are all very different, yet somehow, they get along, complimenting each other well. That is one of the reasons I feel so misplaced here when the guys are over. Even though I probably feel most at home here out of all of his friends, I turn into a shy and insecure mush around them. No one can really blame me though. It does not make it easy for me that they are all extremely attractive and have girls pining for them. I never took enough time to truly crush on them myself, but their presence still makes me a flustered mess. “You can sit here, if you want,” Hoseok says with a big smile, gesturing to the seat next to him on the couch. His smile is the brightest I have ever seen, and I almost forget to return it. I snap out of my thoughts before they disappear into an embarrassing dream-like state. “Thanks,” I say, finally smiling back as I sit down next to him. “So, what are we watching?” I ask, trying to ease into the conversation. “Just some lame k-drama that Jimin suggested,” Namjoon says, shoving at Jimin’s shoulder. “Hey, I just said it had gotten some good reviews lately,” Jimin defends himself as he hides his pearly-white grin behind his hand. “You just can’t admit that you love this stuff,” Taehyung chimes in on teasing his friend. Jimin laughs it off as he runs a hand through his blonde locks. Yoongi leans a knee on the armrest beside me and I relax in his presence. “Speaking of love,” Hoseok says and turns to me, eyes filled with unanswered questions and mischief. “Are you and Yoongi dating?” he asks bluntly, and a chuckle escapes him. Suddenly, I feel my cheeks blushing and eyes widen. “No, we are not, but that does not mean any of you are allowed to come near her,” Yoongi quickly states, looking over at his friends. I want to curl into a ball and roll out of here, but sadly, I am stuck. The doorbell rings, saving the room from an awkward silence. “Y/N, would you get it? I don’t wanna leave you alone with these losers,” Yoongi says, earning a few snickers from his friends. “Yeah, I guess,” I say, getting up from my seat. Normally, I would have told him to get the door himself, but I kind of want to escape from the subject, Hoseok had brought up. As soon as I am standing, he falls into my seat and I raise an eyebrow at him. He just smiles at me with his gummy smile and I let it slide for now.

I walk to the front door and open it up, meeting eyes with the missing member of the group. Jeon Jungkook. He looks up from behind the stacked pizza boxes and as he meets my gaze, he frowns slightly surprised. “Y/N?” he says, confused by my presence. “Am I at the wrong house again?” he asks, stepping back to look at the house number. Jungkook is probably the one out of the group that I know the best besides Yoongi. For several times over the past three years, Jungkook has shown up at my doorstep instead of Yoongi’s, mistaking my house for the neighboring one. We would never talk much, but the small encounters did result in a slightly less awkward vibe between the two of us surprisingly enough. But you do not have to know Jungkook personally to know him, since he also is the one with the most well-known reputation, told from a line of girls’ mouths. “You are at the right house,” I smile, taking a step back and opening the door for him to walk inside. “Good,” he chuckles and steps in. He is wearing a black t-shirt and slim jeans, hugging his thighs as if they were made for him. I take a peak, trying not to be obvious and of course I fail at that, sending myself into a moment of scarring awkwardness. An awkwardness I was already trying to avoid by opening the door in the first place. Jungkook meets my eyes and smirks, raising an eyebrow at my almost stalker-like gaze. “Could you take these for a second?” he asks and hands me the pizzas, ignoring my flustered state and saving my ass from embarrassment. He bends down to take off his shoes before returning to me. He reaches to take back the boxes yet places his hands on top of mine. His gaze locks on me and a small blush creeps onto my cheeks. “Thanks,” he says and a smile tugs on his lips as he pulls the boxes closer. I try to smile and hide how much he affects me. Jungkook never acts as the playboy he is known as when I meet him. I guess, either his reputation is misleading, or he is a bigger flirt than I am imagining. Or -- maybe he is just not into me. I depressingly assume it is the latter, taking he has never made a move on me. I would lie if I said it did not sting since he seems as the kind of guy to make a move on every girl that he meets. Everyone except me, I guess. He walks into the living room and is immediately greeted by his friends. “There he is, the man of the hour,” Jin says as he walks over to him. “You just say that because I brought food,” Jungkook smiles and Jin laughs in return. “You are absolutely right,” Jin adds and takes the pizza boxes from Jungkook’s grip. Jungkook looks back at me and shakes his head at Jin’s comment. I smile slightly, feeling as if he is trying to include me. Or maybe I am reading too much into it. That is what I hate about being around these guys. Even though I rarely meet them, they tend to make me question everything about myself, when I do.

“Let’s eat!” Jin says, placing down the pizzas proudly on the table as if he were the one, providing them. All the guys gather around the food and I lean against the armrest by Yoongi. “There is plenty of food, so just eat with us,” Yoongi says to me without the others overhearing it. I smile accepting of his offer and sit down on a pillow on the floor, copying Taehyung at the opposite end of the table. “Thanks,” I say, smiling up at Yoongi. He smiles back as he ruffles my hair a little. “Here you go,” Hoseok says and hands me a piece on a plate. “Thanks,” I say, and he smiles back. Jungkook returns from the bathroom and despite the free spot on the couch, he joins me on the floor. “Yoongi-hyung, could you grab a slice for me?” Jungkook asks and is given a plate. He shifts to place himself comfortably and ends up grazing his knee against my thigh. I subtly look over at him and notice that he is unbothered by the contact. I take a bite of my pizza and try not to let it fluster me as I convince myself that he has not even noticed our closeness.

After we have eaten, the boys decide it is time to play video games. They set it up and minutes later, they are already being loud.  “How come your parents aren’t home?” I ask Yoongi, making conversation just between the two of us. “They are visiting my aunt and uncle for the weekend,” he says unbothered by their absence. I wish I could feel the same. “What about yours? What are they doing this time?” he asks, looking down at me on the floor before him. “You tell me,” I huff, getting slightly uncomfortable by the thought. “Sorry,” Yoongi says and places a comforting hand on my shoulder. I feel an unexpected tear starting to form and I panic slightly. “Can I borrow your charger?” I ask as I get up from the floor, not wanting to break down in front of the school’s popular group and heartbreakers. “Sure,” Yoongi says slightly concerned. “It’s in my room,” he adds. “Cool,” I say and head towards the stairs. I want to tell him what is bothering me, but I am not even sure where or how to start. I walk upstairs and enter his bedroom, sitting myself down on his bed. I relax my shoulders and exhale, but soon I can feel my eyes watering. A tear escapes and I tilt my head to the side in annoyance. We have been through this too many times, I think to myself. I too often find myself in this position, tears falling down my face as I feel utterly helpless. I should be happy to have the house to myself, but how can I, when I only ever find myself alone? Left behind with nothing but an amount of money to prove how much I am worth to my parents. Why do I even still let it affect me so much? Suddenly, I notice a presence by the door. I look up and meet eyes with Jungkook, standing in the doorframe with furrowed brows. “Are you okay?” he asks hesitantly, worry staining his features. I quickly dry off the tear on my cheek and stand up. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just looking for Yoongi’s charger,” I say, failing to lie. He stands there for a moment, still and looking at me, trying to read me, it seems. He might be having an inner debate on whether or not to call me out on my untrue claim. To my surprise, he decides to play it cool and leave the truth untold. Jungkook then walks into the room and looks around for a second. “Here it is,” he says and pulls the charger out of the plug on the wall. He hands it to me and smiles. I know that he knows I was crying, but it is kind of him to pretend he does not. “Thank you,” I say, smiling back gratefully. “Anytime,” he says back in a raspy voice that surprises us both a little. He clears his throat and chuckles, gently blushing. I feel my stomach, tying a knot on itself as I notice his eyes are hiding from mine. Is he being shy around me? I ponder but quickly brush it aside, not wanting to make up false stories in my head. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you, I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he states sincerely. “It’s all good, don’t worry about it,” I say, while a part of me long for a deeper explanation from him – wanting to hear sentences alike, falling from his lips. “Good,” he says shortly and smiles back. I plug in my phone before we make our way back downstairs.

“Do you have popcorn?” I ask as we return to the others. Yoongi looks up and notices Jungkook and I entering the living room together. His brows furrow and his expression turns unreadable. “They are in the cabinet,” he then says and looks back to the TV. I make my way to the kitchen as Jungkook is handed the controller by Jimin to take his turn to play. I quickly find the box, taking one out and placing it in the microwave. As I wait for the popcorn to finish, I lean against the kitchen counter and look at my feet. I wiggle them, desperate to entertain myself or maybe just distract myself from my current state of mind. Then Yoongi walks in and I look up, meeting his gaze as an unexpected silence falls. “They take a long time to pop,” I say drained from energy. Yoongi smiles at my lame attempt to make conversation. “Are you okay?” he asks, stepping closer to me. He looks at me intently as if he is trying to read my thoughts yet is only met with a sigh. “I am fine, okay? I just wish they had said something, so I wouldn’t have to impose on you guys,” I say apologetically. “You are not imposing,” he says. “I am more worried of them imposing on you since they are all fucking players,” he states, making me chuckle. “I might just have met them a few times, but they seem nice,” I say, trying to hold back a blush. He studies my face and I hope he does not notice. “They are only nice because you are a friend of mine,” he says, trying to warn me. I scoff, acting as if my pride has been hurt. He shoves my shoulder a tad and I laugh. “Anyways, just tell me if you want to talk,” he says. I nod in return. He then turns around and walks back into the living room.

{Jungkook’s POV}

I burst out into laughter as I finally beat Taehyung, the screen reading a big fat K.O. He hits me on the shoulder as he sighs deeply, irritated by my win of the first round. “I hate that you’re so good at this,” he mumbles, and I grin smugly. He does not like that either, but I find his irritation amusing. As the game loads, he turns to me. “So, how did your date go earlier? Did you get lucky?” Tae asks, a teasing glint in his eyes. I scoff as I replay the moments in my head, trying to decide what to say about it. I guess it was fine. I have known long about Hailie’s crush on me and the boys have too, teasing me about it for weeks. So, I finally chose to give her a shot, asking her out. I mean, she is hot and seems like decent company, so why not? We went for coffee and she went on and on about how much she had longed for some time alone with me. I was flattered and all but getting girls to say things like that has just been too easy lately. She was as well, which is why we ended up at her place with her face pushed into the pillows of her bed. We both got what we wanted, but now I am not so sure about what to do. It kind of just feels dull. “Let me just say that she probably needs to change her sheets,” I grin, and Tae fist bumps me proudly. “That’s what I am talking about,” Tae smirks and pads my shoulder a few times. “Taehyung, let Namjoon have a go,” Yoongi interrupts, not feeling amused by the topic of our conversation. I look back at him and notice that he seems off tonight. I do not know what it is, but something is bothering him, and he clearly was not into the gossip like Tae was. Tae gets up and Namjoon takes his place, getting ready for his obvious defeat.

{Y/N’s POV}

I bring two bowls of popcorn into the living room and place them on the table. The guys greet me with enthusiasm, digging into the snack immediately. “You are my hero,” Jimin says, smiling at me widely. My guts do a flip as I study his teeth shaped in by a perfect set of pinkish pouty lips and his eyes shaped like crescents. I grin back at him and place myself on the couch between Yoongi and Taehyung, hoping no one is noticing my clear infatuation with them all. Get a fucking grip, Y/N! I scream internally at myself. Luckily, they are all following the screen, watching Jungkook and Namjoon play. “Don’t let him win! His ego is already too inflated,” Taehyung yells eagerly at Namjoon, wanting him to wipe the floor with Jungkook. I chuckle at that and Taehyung smiles at me. “Namjoon-hyung is useless. Maybe you should beat Jungkook for us?” he says as looks me in the eyes. I study them for a moment, registering his question in my mind along with the millions of stars I see in his irises. I snap about of it before it turns unnatural. “I would, but I am really shitty at this game,” I claim, and he laughs with me. “You are probably better than you think, you are,” he smiles as his gaze returns to look ahead. I feel a slight fluttering in my chest at his words of encouragement. So much for getting that grip, huh? I think to myself. “At least you can’t be as bad as Jin-hyung,” Jimin says with a wide smile spread across his face. Jin immediately turns to Jimin by his side with a look of disbelief. “Are you trying to embarrass me in front of Y/N? Who do you think you are?” he scolds and Jimin crumbles into a ball of pure amusement. “Sorry hyung, but it’s true,” he smiles with a teasing look in his eyes. Jin is not having it. “We will go next, Park Jimin, and I will show you how much better at it I am than you!” Jin states proudly, impatient to prove his statement wrong. Yoongi leans back grinning at the drama unfolding and I find myself leaning onto him. I pull my legs up under me and I rest my head on his shoulder as I have done many times before. The mood settles down into a more relaxed vibe and I get comfortable in my anonymity with everyone’s focus on the screen. Suddenly, I notice the exhaustion overtake me as I am resting on Yoongi’s shoulder. I widen my eyes and try to fight it, yet a few minutes later I doze off.

{Jungkook’s POV}

“Don’t wake her up,” Yoongi says hushed as Y/N is sleeping against him. “but hyung, what do you want us to do?” I ask quietly, wanting to help. She has slept against him for about half an hour and he does not want to wake her up already, but it is problematic since he really has to go to the bathroom. “Take my place,” Yoongi says, looking at me. The other guys look at me as well, waiting for my reaction. “I don’t know, hyung,” I say hesitantly. “Jungkook, do as I say and take my place, so I can go and take a piss,” he says, scolding me for taking so long. “Okay,” I say, giving in and stepping closer. I know he is serious when he is ordering me to do it. He is always telling me to stay away from her. I cannot really blame him though, given my history with girls. It is not like I am doing it to hurt anyone, I am just not a relationship kind of guy. The girls know it and Yoongi definitely knows it as well. But I do not think Y/N does and some part of me wants to keep it that way. Yoongi leans a bit forward, so I can slide in and replace him by her side. He rises from his seat and Y/N places her sleeping head softly on my shoulder. Yoongi steps away and the guys return their eyes to the TV after realizing nothing crazy is going to happen. I try to focus on the game as well, but I am distracted by the odd sensation in my chest. A familiar sensation when it comes to Y/N. As the others are not paying attention, I look over and study the part of her face that I am able to see. She is pretty. I wonder why she was so upset earlier. I did not expect to see her like that and I really wanted to comfort her, but it would have been weird since we do not know each other that well. Even sitting here with her head on my shoulder feels so intimate and I do not know if she would want to be if she was awake right now. I hope she would. I suddenly feel her shifting a bit, wrapping her arm around me in her sleep. My body stiffens, but I immediately try to relax, wanting to make her comfortable. Why am I so nervous? I take a breath and try to focus back on the TV. I fail.

{Y/N’s POV}

My eyes flutter open slowly, clearing my sleepy vision. “Y/N,” I hear a hushed voice say gently beside me. I lift my head and notice how I am only inches away from Jungkook’s face with my arm around his waist. I fell asleep. I pull back my arm, removing it from him and I am almost certain that his expression turns slightly disappointed. Did I fall asleep against Jungkook? I am confused. “I-I’m sorry,” I stutter quietly, trying not to look at him directly as I feel embarrassment overtake me. He chuckles softly. “It’s fine, it was pretty cozy,” he says with a cheeky grin, trying to lock eyes with me. I blush slightly, trying to avoid his gaze. Looking around, I notice the living room is empty besides us. “Where did they go?” I ask, my voice still lazed with tiredness. “They are just setting up the rooms to sleep,” Jungkook explains, trying not to speak too loudly for me. It feels very intimate with his hushed voice and warmth still lingering between us. “Yoongi told me to wake you since he wants you to have his bed,” Jungkook says and tenses up a little. He bites his bottom lip and studies my face for a reaction. “Where will he sleep then?” I ask confused and a satisfied smile forces itself on Jungkook. I look back over at him and capture his gaze, noticing it does not falter. Then it slowly falls to my lips and I am suddenly made aware of the soft expression on his features, the slight darkness of his eyes. I find myself wondering what he is thinking right now, and I can feel in my gut that I am hoping for one thing in particular. One thing, that I have previously doubted to happen up until now. “Jungkook, you are sleeping with Namjoon and Jin-hyung, Taehyung and Jimin took the guestroom,” Yoongi says as he enters the room and Jungkook pulls back from me. “Y/N, you get my bed tonight,” he adds, and I rise from my seat. “Yoongi, I will just go home, I live right next door,” I say, gesturing to my house through the window. I notice how dark and empty it looks from here. I think Yoongi sees it too. “No, you will stay and eat breakfast with us in the morning,” Yoongi states firmly. “But three people in one bed? Jungkook can’t possibly…” I start, but I am interrupted. “It’s fine, Y/N. Please, just go get some rest,” Jungkook says, rising to his feet. I look over at him to catch his eyes, yet he is looking at Yoongi instead. There he goes again, confusing me. Maybe I am overthinking the moment we just shared. I feel the tiredness kick in again. “I will, then,” I say and walk away from them, making my way upstairs.

{Jungkook’s POV}

I watch her leave my side and I feel her taking her warmth with her. I find myself studying her form, wanting to join her upstairs, but I also know that she is not the type of girl, who will let me into her bed so easily. I cannot say I would mind if she did, though. I then look over at Yoongi again, whose eyes surprisingly stare daggers into my soul. “I’ll just go,” I say awkwardly, trying to avoid the tension between us. I do not know why he is annoyed with me tonight, but I ignore it as other thoughts are occupying my mind. Thoughts of her, which will not so easily escape me. “Night, hyung,” I say as I pass him. “Night,” he says back. Hoseok walks by me with a bunch of pillows in his grip, grazing me with them as he passes. “Sleep tight, Jungkookie,” he says with a gesturing expression. Unaware of his intention, I just say it back. I walk upstairs to the room opposite Yoongi’s. I look over for a moment and I consider knocking on her door, but I stop myself and join the guys instead. I step inside and the bed is already occupied. “Ah, Jungkookie, did you come to say goodnight?” Jin says as he rubs his hands in some cream. “Yoongi-hyung says, I have to sleep in here with you guys,” I state, noticing just how small the bed seems now. They exchange looks and suddenly a wide grin is on both their faces. “I think you can find a better option than that,” Namjoon chuckles as he gets under the covers. I sigh with a frown, taking a moment to gather what they mean. “You know, I can’t do that,” I sigh, crossing my arms. “You will just have to sleep on the floor then, I guess,” Jin smiles proudly as he spreads out, filling up all the space left in the bed. I rub my face in my hands, debating whether I should do it or not. I really do want to, but I know it will cause trouble. But then again, when were I ever the one to shy away from a challenge? “Goodnight, then,” I say as I side-eye them, taking in their smug looking faces. I close the door behind me and I sigh, looking across the hall. Will she even want me in there? I ask myself. I step over and lift my fist. I hold it in the air for a second as I tilt my head, contemplating my options. I decide to knock.

{Y/N’s POV}

“Come in,” I say, not knowing who or what to expect. The door opens half way up and Jungkook peeks out his head, looking over at me with an unsure expression. “Hi,” he says shyly, playing with the wooden door. “Hi,” I say back, lifting myself up on my elbows in the bed. Not knowing what to do, I pull my hair behind my ears just to do something with my hands. I then settle them interlinked across my stomach, feeling as awkward as ever but I do not think Jungkook is noticing. He seems too occupied with his own thoughts. “I wanted to ask if… you would maybe let me join you in here, since the guys kind of kicked me out of the room just now,” he chuckles, scratching the back of his neck. He reminds me of a little boy, asking for permission so shyly. Somehow his flustered state makes mine less dominant, bringing a more confident attitude forward in me. “If you are uncomfortable, I will just find somewhere else,” he states quickly, not wanting to come off like a perve, I presume. “It’s okay, there is plenty of room,” I say, gesturing to the empty side of the bed. I scooch over a bit, making more room, slightly surprised by my own actions. “Thanks,” he smiles relieved as he enters and closes the door behind him. He steps closer and sits down on the edge of the bed, eyes barely leaving mine as if he is searching for confirmation. “Jungkook, it really is fine, just make yourself comfortable,” I smile as I lay back down, trying to do the same. I hope my outer self is not as blubbery as my insides feel right now. “Okay, good,” he says and shakes his head a little, grinning at himself. He takes off his pants and socks, before getting under the covers beside me. He takes out his phone, checking a few things before placing it on the nightstand by the bed. Then silence falls, and he just lies there for a second, staring out into the slight darkness of the room. I exhale, relaxing into the depths of the mattress. “I’m glad you came today,” Jungkook says quietly, breaking the silence. I am stunned by his statement, feeling my stomach do the twist for the third time today. What does he mean by that? I look over at him and notice his peaceful features. He notices but does not look back at me as if he suddenly feels exposed by his own words. “Me too,” I answer, and a soft smile lights up his worried expression. “Good,” he sighs eased and turns to his side, facing away from me. I look at his back for a moment and wonder why he is being so nice to me. From what Yoongi has told me, Jungkook would either be all over a girl or not show interest in her at all, depending on his plans with her. Right now, I feel as if I am finding myself in some middle ground between the two. Maybe it is just a friendship in the making? I think, and then I turn my back as well, relaxing until I fall asleep beside him.

[bintaeran]

Beth's Favorite Post: Yoga Therapy for Perfectionism

Beth's Favorite Post: Yoga Therapy for Perfectionism Nina Zolotow by Beth

Beth's Closet

My name is Beth and I am a Perfectionist! Some of you may recognize yourself in this article but may not be ready to come out of the closet. And you know which closet I mean: that perfectly organized closet, coordinated by color; organized by tops, pants, jackets, dress clothes and by shoe type, all perfectly aligned. And for the sake of brevity, we will not discuss your linen closet or kitchen cabinets.

Before I entered recovery, I spent years perfecting my Perfectionism to hide my ignorance of “Reality” and convince the world, and myself, that I was indeed “perfect.” And because I’m in recovery, I can share that ignorance/avidya, in which I go “pitta provoked” when folks do something I consider lame, dumb, or disorganized. First I fall headlong into anamayakosha aggravation—my shoulders shrug, my chest tightens, and my knees freeze. Then it’s straight into pranamayakosha pushback, where I suck up mass quantities of red earth energy from my first chakra, completely bypass the second chakra, and shove that fiery red anger into my third chakra, where it erupts into volcanic lava (I know you might not get the next few cultural references but you will get the idea). And it’s enough to make a sistah take off her earrings, put her hands on her hips, go into full head-neck roll, and progress into manomayakosha meltdown and scream, “OH NO YOU BETTA’ DON’T!” But, of course, that’s all internal. Remember, I’m a Perfectionist—gotta appear cool, calm, collected, and “large and in charge” to the world.

That changed suddenly as I was wrestling with a long stretch of enforced inactivity after an emergency hysterectomy. The resting was hard. My life had been reduced to a standstill—a holding pattern—a lateral drift. Being forced to give up “doing” to experience “being” was a struggle. During that scary, restless time I often sat on the back deck of the house I lived in at the time. The view was peaceful: a pond, a state forest, and a huge weeping cherry tree. One day in early spring, the first pink blossom appeared on the drooping branches of that tree and I watched it with focused fascination. Over the next few days it bloomed in all of its ordinary magic. As that bud blossomed, something inside me blossomed as well. An insight emerged full-blown from the depths of somewhere into my conscious mind. A thought popped, "There is another way to live and I have got to find it." At that moment, my recovery from Perfectionism began.

What is Perfectionism?

First I needed an answer to the question, “What is Perfectionism?” I considered this question first from the allopathic perspective: is Perfectionism a disease or a mental disorder? The answer is that Perfectionism is a multidimensional personality characteristic that has both positive and negative effects. In terms of negative effects, a Google search turned up some really disturbing side effects for Perfectionism that goes too far:

Depression

Anxiety

Panic attacks

Eating Disorders (whew, that’s one I never had to worry about)

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (uh oh—remember the closets?)

Thoughts of suicide. Research says that perfectionists are more likely to kill themselves than regular, mediocre-performing people. 

Workaholism (hmmmm, sound familiar?)

Low self-esteem (sigh—yeah, that’s a factor for sure)

Chronic stress (maybe that’s the source of the bald spots, skin rashes and constipation?)

Heart disease

Substance abuse (I wonder if chocolate counts?)

If the American Medical Association ever declares Perfectionism a true disease, we would quickly see a drug developed for it and if we had one, it could be called: Perfectomayacin, “One pill a day and Perfectionism goes away.” Yogis please note the word “maya” embedded in “Perfectomayacin.” But the side effects of Perfectomayacin would need to be considered. There are side effects to all drugs. They come right along with the fix. TV commercials, filled with smiling bubbly, happy people running through grassy fields, walking hand in hand, or playing with puppies would first extol the benefits of Perfectomayacin and then follow up with the side effects which might include the following:

Do not take Perfectomayacin if you are pregnant or thinking about becoming pregnant.

If taking Perfectomayacin, do not eat sweets or drink alcohol (What?! Dessert is my favorite food group!).

Drowsiness, dizziness, nasal irritation, insomnia, nausea and projectile vomiting (boy, that would destroy my image at a business meeting).

Maybe my recovery would have been faster if Perfectomayacin had been available but the slower process of working with my koshas and kleshas to wake the witness so I could deal with my core beliefs has yielded a much more balanced “relative reality.” 

A Yogic Perspective So with no quick fix in sight, I looked at Perfectionism from the yogic perspective. I recognized the symptoms of anamayakosha aggravation, pranamayakosha pushback, and the manomayakosha meltdown. So I then explored the kleshas. I found that my perfectionist behaviors reflect ALL of the kleshas. Let’s go through them one by one: Avidya/Not seeing things as they are: Clearly I do not see things as they are if I think for one minute I’m superior to others—and I sometimes do! I’m in recovery; it’s a process. Asmita/Ego: I see something lame, dumb or disorganized (my opinion), and I want to say, “I know what your problem is, I have time to tell you about it and can give you a complete list of all the things you need to do to fix yourself.” Raga/Attachment: I’ll dot every “i” and cross every “t” because it’s got to be perfect! But it’s never perfect (to my standards), and the emotional spiral of deflation, anger,and guilt kicks in, followed by my grand defense mechanism: the blame game. It’s someone else’s fault (this one sucks wind big-time!) Dvesha/Avoidance/Unreasonable Dislikes: I don’t like other Perfectionists because they think they’re better than me. And, OMG, they just might be! Abinivesha/Fear: If they really knew me, they’d know I’m a fake. Then they wouldn’t like me and that could increase the intensity of side effects like depression, anxiety, panic attacks and projectile vomiting (sigh). So, when my discomfort and angst reached their limit, I designed for myself a yoga therapy program for Perfectionism. Here’s a sample: 

Grounding postures like Downward-Facing Dog pose, Child’s Pose and Legs Up the Chair Pose (Easy Inverted Pose) calm anamayakosha aggravation.

Cooling breaths like Kaki Breath and Relaxation Breathing calm pranamayakosha pushback. 

Mudras like Adhi Mudra and Chinmaya are grounding and reduce the incidence of manomayakosha meltdown.

Calming Anamayakosha Aggravation

Yoga Therapy for Perfectionism

With a heavy dose of tapas, I plunged into the full application of yoga therapy and over time discovered that the energetic intensity of my Perfectionism decreased. My kleshas shifted and I discovered the happy side effects of yoga therapy for Perfectionism: Avidya/Not seeing things as they are: My ignorance reduced from 100% to about 55 – 60%, and I see more clearly that I’m not superior to everyone else (only to a few members of my family; a couple of friends, and colleagues—remember, I’m in recovery, so it’s a process). Asmita/Ego: With practice, I reduced the incidents of my manomayakosha meltdowns and I don’t give advice unless I’m asked for it (most of the time). Raga/Attachment: According to Sri Swami Pratyagbodhananda, (a very wise man) all outcomes to any actions will be either 1) expected, 2) more than expected, 3) less than expected, or 4) unexpected. I now realize that I can influence outcomes but I do not control them (still getting used to that one!). Dvesha/Avoidance/Unreasonable Dislikes: Everyone has a part to play so I’m OK and you’re OK (Well mostly OK except for a few members of my family; a couple of friends and colleagues—remember, I’m in recovery, so it’s a process). Abinivesha/ Fear: A thank you to Sen. Al Franken and his movie “Stuart Saves His Family.” Regarding fear, Stuart says, “Let’s face it, trace it, erase it.” And yoga therapy would add, “replace it with a Bhavana like his, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and, doggone it, people like me!” (and I’m perfectly OK if they don’t).

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